Well, I just had a very interesting experience. After posting this morning, I spent the better part of the day drinking tea and talking with a new potential friend. By the labels, I suspect that she is someone who is perhaps a rare find outside of San Francisco - a Hispanic, first-generation American, MTF (transgender) convert to Judaism who is Orthodox in her observance.
Actually, she's a pretty rare find in San Francisco, for that matter.
She has chosen to share her story freely and has allowed others to discuss it amongst themselves, so this post does not represent a violation of her confidence. However, because I'm referencing trans issues (something that I've observed that many members of TORC/b77/HoF have little firsthand knowledge of), I ask that you be respectful. In particular, understand that for an individual to transition genders is not the same thing as the sexual fetish of transvestism, or a lark, but rather a serious transition that takes years, tens of thousands of dollars, and the medical input of multiple doctors and psychologists.
In any case, before reaching a place financially/situationally that she could complete her gender transition, she identified (as a compromise) as a gay male for many years. She (then identifying as he) and her male partner were and still are Orthodox; they accepted as binding the Torah's prohibition on male homosexual sex. In the apparent interest of erring on the cautious side, they continue to accept it even though she has now surgically transitioned.
This was my first discussion with someone who identifies as some variant of GLBT who is partnered, YET chooses to refrain from sexual intimacy because of religious beliefs. I couldn't help thinking how ironic the encounter was, just as we here on HoF are engaged in this dialogue. Although my mind was swirling at the time, I think I can now articulate the following thoughts:
1. It struck me as the right decision for her. There was no angst, no tortured self-denial. Rather, her partner and she reached the decision that the best way to remain true to their commitments to each other and to their faith was to love each other without physically expressing that love - and to hear her talk about it, they do not seem to feel that they are missing anything.
2. It also struck me how different her expression of religious faith was, from the others who express similar beliefs. Normally when I encounter people who share her view, they are heterosexuals presuming to tell me which principles I must live by in order not to "sin in God's eyes"; conveniently, these principles have no application to the declarants' own lives. In contrast, this woman spoke only about how
her interpretation of Torah applied to
her own life. She chooses to attend a congregation in which liberal gay and lesbian (and heterosexual) Jews interpret the Torah and apply it to their lives very differently than she does to hers. But there was no note of condemnation in her voice, no conclusory note that they (or more accurately, we) are sinning, no insistence that her interpretation of Torah was exclusively correct or must needs be binding on our lives. It struck me that I found, today, the true meaning of religious tolerance - that we could respect each other's divergent interpretations of Torah because neither of us believed that the other person should live by our interpretation.*
I have often fought with people on these boards before about the (non-liberal) Christian insistence on labeling same-sex intimacy sinful. Having had this experience today, I find that I am bored with that argument. If you are a gay religious person who, in applying the Bible (or other religious book) to your life, has concluded that it proscribes you from engaging in same-sex intimacy, then I am interested in discussing further with you. If you are a straight religious person who is interested in applying the Bible to the sexual or romantic lives of other people, then you are going to have to find some other people who are willing to proffer their lives for that purpose. I will remain interested in hearing your application of the Bible to your own lives, but not to mine (or any other gay person's). I believe this is in keeping with Jesus' directive for each person to consider the log in their own eye before the speck in their neighbor's (if indeed there is a speck in this case).
Finally, I want to say a few words on my view of self-denial. Mith mentions that self-denial is part of a Christian life. I know this will come as a big surprise because I so very rarely mention it
- but it turns out that I am not Christian. And here, it is important to mention because it means a fundamental difference in worldview.
Spiritually right now, I identify as a possibly-transitioning agnostic. But in keeping with modern Jewry, I do not intend ever to put my faith in any one conception of the afterlife. I do not accept that there categorically is a "World to Come," but I accept the possibility that there might be. All that I
know that I have is my time here on Earth. If there is a Creator, then that time is potentially God-given. Without the "guarantee" of an afterlife, all I have is the admonition that JS has in her signature: "Live! Live! Live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!"
My sexuality, like most people's, is connected to both my physical and spiritual identities. I think of this as my "lowest" and "highest" needs - not because physical needs are "low" in the sense of base or crass, but because they are more closely tied to our animal nature, where spiritual needs are more closely tied to something (if anything
) higher than ourselves. On one hand, my sexuality informs what gives me physical satisfaction. On the other hand, it informs how I am predisposed to love, to form relationships, goodness willing, one day to find my soulmate. I know people - a very few, fortunate people - of all different sexual orientations who are blessed enough to be fulfilled in these two ways, physically and spiritually, by their soulmates. That's breathtakingly rare...but for those who are lucky enough to have found it, it brings so much meaning and joy to their lives.
It seems both preposterous and outrageous - nay, sinful - to me that I should deny both my physical and spiritual identities...that I should reject any aspect of the sumptuous "banquet of life" in front of me...that I should refuse the opportunity to connect sexually and romantically if I find my soulmate...that I should be seeking counseling or other "suicide alternatives" that will enable me to deal with a weakness - a weakness! No, I reject that as absurd. My sexuality is not a weakness, Lurker, and I would appreciate it if you show me the respect not to refer to it that way again. (Fewer jokes about "breeding grounds for homosexuals" would also be much appreciated.)
I regard my sexuality as a gift (whether from nature, God, or both), although one that has posed and will pose its fair share of challenges thanks to the prejudices of others. (I am reminded of hearing some Jews joke that they appreciate the "gift" of being the "chosen people," but they wish that God would share that gift around a bit.
) I do not believe that it is wrong for me to act on it; indeed, I believe it would be wrong for me to refuse this God-or-nature-given gift...to repress and deny myself...to turn down the offered banquet of life. You see, in addition to my genuine belief that God does not proscribe intimacy between consenting adults, I also cannot rely on some reward in a supposed afterlife. So, I experience denial as being contrary to the mandate we are given in life, whether from God or nature - to
live, to love and to
be, according to our natures.
In conclusion, I really need to figure out what I do or don't believe, because it is darn hard to be an agnostic fence-sitter. It gets tiresome typing out all these either/or propositions about God.
*I'm pretty certain that some pronouns in that sentence need to be taken out and shot.
