Mother Theresa's Struggle with Faith

[axordil]

That would be close to what I believe I call Clarity--the feeling that the veil has been lifted and one sees with new eyes what was there all along, even though it's not necessarily something one would choose to see. I have experienced it a handful of times that I can remember, the most recent being almost certainly the result of a change in my antidepressants. That was back in 1995, and a month or so after the change I woke up with a crystalline understanding that the only way forward in my life was to end the broken marriage I was in. It wasn't a dramatic or joyful scene so much as it was a "this is just how it is" moment.

[Frelga]

That would be close to what I believe I call Clarity--the feeling that the veil has been lifted and one sees with new eyes what was there all along, even though it's not necessarily something one would choose to see.

I don't know, Ax. The way you describe it, it sounds like a different experience. More personal, or rather, person-focused, and more rational at the same time.

When I read or hear or experience certain things, something deep inside me says YES. It is an inner conviction. No, a recognition, as if unexpectedly seeing a beloved face in a crowd far from home.

I trust that inner leaping far more than I trust my own analytical understanding.

Yes, yes, I think I follow. What Mith said is also very familiar.

For me, anyway, it's like... Suddenly, a flame flickers on; it's inside me, and it's been there all along. And I am a light, surrounded with lights, a light in the light. A bright part of a brilliant whole, without limit, not blinding but illuminating. A light that doesn't need the dark. Then I can see, but the part that can be put into words is only a reflection in a shard of broken mirror.

And yet the part that can be put in words is important. The words we choose to contain the light and the acts we choose to uphold it are what really matters in the world-that-is.

Now, for me it's a rare experience. It is why I am looking forward to Rosh HaShana service next week, and Yom Kippur soon after, because it never fails me there. Most of the time, I demand that the world explain itself to my brain. I am, however, content that my brain will understand very little of the world, and probably get most of it wrong. That's all right. I've seen the light.

I do know of people who feel like that all the time. They truly walk in the light. They shine. Sometimes they burn, themselves or others. For a person like that, and I can believe that Mother Teresa was one, to lose sight of the light would be a chilling experience indeed.

Eh, it doesn't do it justice.

[WampusCat]

That's a terrific description, Frelga. Exactly right.

The words we choose to contain the light and the acts we choose to uphold it are what really matters in the world-that-is.

Well said. And that is essentially what organized religion is, which explains its potential for enlightenment as well as its inadequacy to explain the full experience and its potential for abuse.

[axordil]

Oh. I've never had that. Ah well.

I do find it revealing that the perceived truth of the experience seems to cross cultural, and more importantly, theological borders.

eta:

Thinking about it further--what strikes me about the descriptions I see is that they all seem (to me at least) highly interpretive, as opposed to simply felt. They are higher-order emotional responses, in other words, not the actual emotional epiphanies themselves. That may be why there is the perceived difficulty with putting words to them. It's as if one is asked if something hurts, and one says, yes, but then one is asked how it feels, and we can only resort to metaphor to describe the pain, and trust to empathy and commonality of experience to bridge the gap of understanding.

But whereas we all feel pain of one sort or another now and again, it's becoming obvious to me that not all of us feel what I've seen described here--and so the empathy and commonality of experience that makes understanding possible isn't there. It's as if you were from the shore and tried to explain the ocean to someone who had never even seen a lake--except that the ocean is wholly internal to you. You can discuss how lovely the light on the waves is, or how moving the sounds of the surf are, or how invigorating the smell of the salt is, but since we have no common frame of reference, all we have out here is your description of your feelings, and perhaps a greater appreciation of how broad the human experience really is.

But I know if I had that ocean in me, and lost it, I would be devastated too.

[MithLuin]

I think the ocean is a great metaphor. There are people who haven't seen it, and really....how can you tell them what it is? It's just...well, you know they're missing the point. Like Frodo trying to tell Faramir about the Balrog, and you can tell he's picturing a particularly vicious troll, not a fire-demon. He just has no concept of what Boromir faced.

I remember being puzzled by friends in high school who thought I had 'great' faith, mostly because I admited that I did believe in God. But...that's about as far as it went. I knew that my faith was particularly weak at that point, and that I wasn't really sure about a lot of it. But to them, any concept of God at all was, well, FAITH. And I tried to tell them, that, no, I was just dabbling in the shallows, and real faith...well, that was swimming.

But as for this experience we're all trying to describe...it comes in varying degrees. I assure you that I have never experienced what Mother Teresa experienced on a train ride in India one day. I can hear about others' experiences and say, 'oh, that...I've heard of that, I know what you're talking about...." and yet not have personally been there. I just know about it, though. The feeling itself is not important, though obviously that's the interesting part. I would put that moment of peace and clarity on this scale, to be honest. It might be a bit more...subdued...but it is more than just an empathetic, 'hey, that's true!'

[axordil]

There WAS peace associated with the clarity, too. Not happiness per se, of course--it was not a particularly happy time--but the clarity led to certainty. It set a course for me that I am, now that I think about it, still on. And it is one of the very few moments of my life I can recall not only as a narrative, but with a discernible echo of how I felt at that moment.

As I told Cerin earlier, I think inborn temperament (read--genetics) and environment both contribute to how we perceive and then react to such moments--and perhaps even the intensity with which we feel them. Perhaps what I felt that morning is indeed on the same continuum as the more energetic responses others have described here--or perhaps it's a difference in kind. It may be impossible to settle the question usefully.

[Frelga]

Ax, may I ask if you have ever attended a communal worship where you felt comfortable with people and the message? That's what it took for me, that and having a child. Somehow, that sanded my emotional skin until these feelings could penetrate. I do think the Insta-clarity experience is of the same source (or Source), thought more focused, so perhaps it is possible to induce the other kind? If you are inclined that way.

[axordil]

Oh, I've been to various functions where I felt comfortable with the crowd and the content, pretty much all pagan (although pagans need better songs, those same keys get old ) or otherwise esoteric (Sufi Islam). But I've never felt anything there, nor at the church I grew up in, or the others I've attended (and the assortment is broad). Some moments have been more memorable than others, but only as (for me) performances, if you will--a good Kohl Nidre or midnight Christmas mass or dawn Easter service is engaging, perhaps even moving, but no more (again, for me) than a symphonic orchestra doing well or a sharp dramatic ensemble.

Since there have been times in my life when I have been inclined that way, I am led to the conclusion that my inclination is not relevant. I don't have it in me to feel what others around me (some, anyway) do with regards to religious experience. And unless I have a Road to Damascus moment, I don't see that changing.

Actually, one of the more fun answers I've ever gotten to "why do I not have faith" was from a pagan priest (and friend of mine) who said, "hey, you didn't choose that path this lifetime. This may just be your skeptical lifetime."

[MithLuin]

This conversation reminds me of a Newsboys song. I've been listening to it this week, and thought I'd share

• It's not a family trait,
  it's nothing that I ate,
  and it didn't come from skating with Holy Rollers,
  
  It's an early warning sign,
  it keeps my life in line,
  but it's so hard to define,
  Nevermind...
  
  (Chorus)
  It's just a spirit thing,
  it's just a holy nudge,
  it's like a circuit judge in the brain.
  It's just a spirit thing,
  it's here to guard my heart,
  it's just a little hard to explain.
  
  It pushes when i quit,
  it smells a counterfit,
  Sometimes it works a bit like a teleprompter...
  
  When it's teleprompting you,
  I pray you'll let it through,
  And I'll help you with the how,
  But for now...
  
  (Chorus)
  
  I took the long way,
  bent back down again,
  Some things will never
  ever be explained.
  no they can not be explained...
  yeah
  
  (Chorus) x3

Faith is not easy for anyone, but the 'feeling' part comes harder to some people than to others. And I would say that...in the end, that is the part that is irrelevant. The high is a 'concession,' which I will readily admit does make it easier for those people! But it isn't the feeling that counts, in the end. Skepticism is fine....just keep searching for answers. You're sure to find something interesting, in the long run.