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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:09 pm 
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Here's the second part of my scene (Finally! A dragon could have grown up in the time it's taken me to get writing!) I'd appreciate some help with it, as I'm just not sure about the tone or the fantastic elements. For approval:

****

[Camera cut to Dwarves running down a dark passage. A pale light shines from the tip of Gandalf’s staff, but that is the only light in the rough, damp, crumbling stone tunnel. Gandalf leads the group. Both Orcrist and Glamdring glow blue, but not brightly, in his hands. Camera shift to Bilbo, struggling to run behind Dori at the end of the line. Sweat glistens on Bilbo’s face, and he is obviously terrified. Camera shift to Gandalf, who holds up his staff as he slows and stops.]

Gandalf: (not at all winded) We have a moment, I think. Are we all here? (glances over the group) Let me see: Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Ori, Bifur, Óin, Glóin, Bofur, Bombur, . . . Where are Fíli and Kíli?
Fíli and Kíli: (together, breathless) Here we are!
Gandalf: Good, good. And here are Nori, Dori, and Mr. Baggins. Well, things might be worse,a nd then again they might be a good deal better. No ponies, no food, no knowing quite where we are, and hordes of angry Orcs just behind us. You had better take this back, Thorin. (hands Orcrist to Thorin)
Thorin: (nods, grips sword with purpose)
Gandalf: Good! Then, on we go. (pauses) Oh, and someone had better carry Mr. Baggins. We must move as fast as Dwarves can underground.

[Camera focus on Bilbo, looking confused and a bit insulted. Pull back as Dori lifts Bilbo onto his shoulders. Dwarves follow Gandalf at a run down a passage that gets increasingly smaller and darker. Bilbo must duck his head a couple of times as the ceiling drops suddenly.

[Camera pan walls and passage behind as sounds of Orcs grow louder. The Dwarves find a wide bend in the tunnel and Gandalf stops. Gandalf motions for Thorin to follow him and Thorin does. Gandalf and Thorin block the tunnel, with Orcrist and Glamdring glowing brightly. Both cover their swords with their cloaks and Gandalf dims his staff.
[Camera shift to tunnel. Orc eyes glow in the dark. The tunnel is brightened by a flash from Gandalf’s staff. Camera focus on shocked Orcs as they face Gandalf and Thorin. Gandalf and Thorin attack fiercely; Orcs fall back but more come from side passages. All Dwarves except Dori, who still has Bilbo, prepare to fight with any weapon they can find. They pick up rocks, pull off belts to use as whips, and double their fists.]

Fíli: (brandishes a rock) Durin!
Kíli: (doubles his heavy belt in his hand) Khazâd ai-mênu!
Balin: (mutters) Aulë save us from enthusiasm!
Dwalin: (nods)

[Orcs attack. Camera focus on Dori, who backs away from the fighting. Camera shift to Orc 3, who emerges from a shadow against the wall and grabs Dori. Bilbo falls hard, grunts, tries to rise, and falls back. Camera shift to Gandalf, who gestures sharply. There is a blinding flash of light and Orcs scream.]

Gandalf: Follow me, everybody!

[Camera pan over Dwarves and Gandalf, who run up a side tunnel as Orcs stumble blindly about. Bilbo is not with them. Camera cut.]

****
[Camera open on Bilbo, lying against the wall at the edge of a small side tunnel. We hear water drip slowly and softly, but no other noise. Bilbo grunts, moves carefully to see if anything is injured, then pushes to his hands and knees. He tries to stand, sways, and sinks back to sit on the floor.]

Bilbo: (voiceover) Well, you have gotten yourself into it this time! All alone in the dark, and it is surely time for dinner at the very least. I wonder if I have a crumb of something . . . (feels about in his pockets, pulls out his pipe and tobacco pouch) There’s something good! Now if I can find my tinder box . . . (pulls out a tinder box, but it is broken and the flint is in pieces) Drat it all! (sighs) Oh well, I suppose it is for the best. Goodness knows what the smell of a pipe would have brought out of these corridors. Well, I am getting nowhere sitting here. (puts pipe and tobacco away, stands stiffly) What can be . . . (rubs hip, finds Sting inside his clothing) My sword! I’d forgotten I had it. The Goblins missed it too, and that’s lucky for me! (draws Sting. Sting glows faintly blue) What? It’s an Elvish blade from Gondolin too, I wager. And this means that the Goblins are not very near, yet not very far off either. And I have a bit of light.

[Bilbo waves Sting about, testing the weight and balance of the blade as if he knew what he was doing. Something flashes bright on the floor of the tunnel. Bilbo investigates and lifts a small gold ring. He shrugs and slips it into his pocket.]

Bilbo: (voiceover) I suppose now I am truly a burglar, and this is my first treasure. Well, I’d best move on but which way? Go back? No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!

[Camera follows Bilbo down the tunnel. Bilbo uses Sting for light. After a moment he moves more slowly and cautiously. Bilbo pauses and sniffs the air. He moves forward carefully and steps into water. Bilbo jumps back, startled. Camera shift left, Gollum’s eyes glow in the dark. Camera cut to Bilbo, looking cautiously around. Bilbo jumps when he sees Gollum and points Sting at Gollum, trembling.]
Bilbo: Gaahhk!
Gollum: (whisper) Bless us and splash us, My Precioussss! I guess it’s a choice feast; at least a tasty morsel it’d make ussss (Gollum)
Bilbo: Who are you?
Gollum: What iss he, My Precioussss? (slips closer to Bilbo, curious)
Bilbo: I am Mr. Bilbo Baggins. I have lost the dwarves and I have lost the wizard and I don’t know where I am and I don’t want to know if only I can get away.
Gollum: What’s he got in his handses?
Bilbo: A sword. A blade which came out of Gondolin!
Gollum: (hisses, steps back) Nasssty! (softer voice) Praps we sits here and chats with it a bitsy, My Precioussss? It likes riddles, praps it does, does it? And praps it will put its nasssty sword away? We doesn’t want to hurt it, My Precious. But we doesn’t want it to hurt us.
Bilbo: (wary) Very well. (sheaths Sting) You ask first.
Gollum: What has roots as nobody sees, Is taller than trees, Up, up it goes, And yet never grows?
Bilbo: (relieved laugh) That is an easy one. It’s a mountain, I suppose.
Gollum: (annoyed) Baggins must have a competition with us, Precious! If Precious asks and it doesn’t answer, we eats it, My Preciousssss.
Bilbo: Just a minute here!
Gollum: If it asks, and Precious doesn’t answer, we does what it wants, eh? We shows it the way out, yes!
Bilbo: (wary) All right. Hmmm . . . Thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, Then they stamp. Then they stand still.
Gollum: Teeth! Teeth, My Precioussss; but we has only six. (hisses) Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters .
Bilbo: Half a moment! (thinks) It’s wind. Wind, of course. Now here is mine: An eye on a blue face Saw and eye on a green face. “That eye is like to this eye,” Said the first eye, “But in low place Not in high place”.
Gollum: (hisses, annoyed. Needs 10 seconds to answer) Ssss, My Precious! Sun on dasies it means, it does! Ssss, sssss, It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. It lies behind stars and under hills, and empty holes it fills. It comes first and follows after; Ends life, kills laughter.
Bilbo: Dark! Hmmm . . . A box without hinges, key, or lid, Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
Gollum: (hissing, annoyed) What’s the answer, My Precious? We must have the answser, yessss.
Bilbo: Well, it’s not a kettle boiling over as you seem to think from the noise you’re making.
Gollum: Give us a chance; let it give us a chance, My Preciouss-ss-ss. (eyes shine more brightly) Yesss! Eggsessss. Eggses it is! Ssssss – This thing all things devours: Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; Gnaws iron, bites steel; Grinds hard stones to meal; Slays king, ruins town, And beats high mountain down.
Bilbo: (voiceover) Giants? Ogres? Dragons? Could be any of them . . .

[Camera shift to Gollum, drawing closer and rubbing his hands. Gollum licks his lips.]

Gollum: Is it nice, My Precious? Is it juicy? Is it tasty?
Bilbo: Give me time!
Gollum: (jumps back, hisses)
Bilbo: Time! That’s the answer! Of course, it’s Time!
Gollum: Ask usss a question!
Bilbo: Just a minute.
Gollum: Ask usss! Ask ussss!

[Camera shift to Bilbo’s hand, which has wandered into his pocket.]

Gollum: Ask usss! Or we eats it now.
Bilbo: (mutter) What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum: Sssss! It can’t ask what it has in its nasssty pocketsessss!
Bilbo: Well, that is my question. What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum: It must give us three guesses, My Precioussss.
Bilbo: Very well. Guess away.
Gollum: Handses!
Bilbo: Wrong.
Gollum: Knife!
Bilbo: Wrong. Last guess! (waits a moment while Gollum hisses) Time’s up!
Gollum: (growls) String or nothing!
Bilbo: Both wrong! (steps back, draws Sting) Now that’s enough. I want to get out of here and you promised to show me the way.
Gollum: Did we say so, Preciousss? Show the nasty little Baggins the way out, yes, yes. But what has it got in its pocketses? Not string, but not nothing either. Oh no, not nothing!
Bilbo: Never you mind! A promise is a promise, and you must show me the way out.
Gollum: Not so hasty, Preciousss. We can’t go up the tunnels so hasty. We must get some things first, things to help us.
Bilbo: Well, all right but hurry up.

[Camera follows Gollum right. Gollum steps into a small boat and paddles into the lake. Camera cut to Bilbo, still toying with the Ring in his pocket.]

Bilbo: (voiceover) What have I got in my pocket, I wonder?

[Gollum screams across the lake. Bilbo jumps.]
Gollum: (shrieks) Lost! We’ve lost it, My Precious! Gone! Gone! It’s gone! Where iss it? Where iss it? (splashes as he paddles back to Bilbo) We knows, Precious! We knows! What has it got in its pocketses? We guesses! And when we catches the nasty noser and squeezes it, we will know!

[Camera cut to Bilbo, panicked. Bilbo turns and exits, left, at a run. Gollum follows, snarling and hissing up the passage. Bilbo trips and falls on top of Sting. Gollum runs past him, hissing and growling.]

Gollum: But it doesn’t know what the Preciouss can do, does it? It’ll just keep it in its pocketses. It doesn’t know, and it won’t go far. Goblinses will catch it, and one of them will put on the Precious, and we won’t see it. (Gollum!) He’ll come creepsy and tricksy and catch us. (Gollum! Gollum!) But if it knows a way in, it’s got to know a way out! It’s off to the back door, Precious! And we will get there first!
Bilbo: (amazed) I am not hearing this! A magic ring that makes me invisible? Well, let’s see if it works. (slips on Ring and follows Gollum, Sting under his jacket but still in his hand.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 8:24 am 
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I like it Ethel, but I would make all the voiceovers spoken, as if he's talking to himself.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 9:00 am 
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I'm sorry I haven't been able to comment or add anything as real life is intrusive at the moment. I have done a version of this myself and think Ethel's has many elements that are better than mine. When I get chance I'll try and list them.
But I do have to say that the dialogue is far too long in my view. I think it needs trimming a lot to get at the essence. Only in exceptional circumstances is a long dialogue workable on screen. The riddles coming up are an example where dialogue is crucial. When I get chance I'll try and say more. Pictures often make words redundant

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:23 am 
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I agree with mostly with the above comments...I know we used voiceover in the SIL scripts on several occasions but I think Al's right that here it would work better to have Bilbo speak his thoughts, albeit in a briefer form as Tosh notes.

One thing I would prefer expanded on is our first sighting of Gollum: I think we should use the Professor's own approach, and have the camera pick out the island in the middle of the lake, and the two glowing eyes watching the Hobbit on the bank, before he paddles across. We need little moments like that to break up the dialogue.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:43 pm 
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Thanks, all. This scene gave me real fits, but whether it was because I'm up to my neck in wedding mess I don't know.

I'm fine with losing the voiceovers at the beginning. Probably the sound of his own voice would be comforting for Bilbo. I can't see Bilbo speaking aloud while he's running from Gollum, though.

Shortening the dialogue I'll leave to you. Elentári can tell you I'm not good at editing my own stuff, and scripts need more than one set of eyes on them anyway.

Question, El: Are you thinking of putting some of this in Gollum's POV, or should there be some source of light in the cavern so Bilbo could see the island? I know JRRT jumped from Bilbo to Gollum and back, but he was telling the story from an omniscient POV and we're inside the characters' heads.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 4:34 pm 
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I suppose I was rather meaning that we should pan across to the island and Gollum's eyes to set the scene and heighten suspense for the audience. If Bilbo has the light from Sting then it's not going to be pitch black in the cave (and that doesn't work well on film!) It would only natural for the camera to pan around and reveal the environment to some extent for the audience if not for the protagonists, and hint at possible danger to come! We could have a shot back of Bilbo on the shore from Gollum's POV, that would be good. Perhaps we could stay viewing the scene through Gollum's eyes as he steps into his boat and silently paddles closer and closer, then we see Bilbo jump and Gollum appears right in front of him, before the camera view switches to Bilbo's POV and Gollum is revealed properly...

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:58 pm 
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While I'm getting things straightened up with the riddle scene, who would like to take the next one? Maybe through Bilbo's reuinion with his friends? Also, when should we insert some of the rest of what's going on in the world? Do we leave the Necromancer storyline until we need it or should we set some firmer foundation?

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:22 pm 
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I'd like to see Tosh's take on the last few scenes also. I'm heading away on holiday for a week, but I hope to participate more when I return.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:18 am 
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I have some stuff written and as I said I think Ethel had some better ideas than me but I'm very busy at the moment. I'll pop my version up when I get chance.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:22 pm 
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Please do, Tosh. BTW, isn't summer the time we're supposed to be relaxing?

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 12:46 pm 
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I haven't laid this aside permanently but at the moment we are dealing with our own Smaug.
A few trolls and goblins have been dispatched so far so we are pressing on. I promise to come back to it.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:30 pm 
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No problem, Tosh. As you can probably tell, my life has decided to run over me like an express train. I can't believe the summer is gone and I'm about to be back to work full time.

Unless Alatar or El want to push you, I won't. Hope the Trolls, Orcs, and Dragons aren't too serious.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:44 am 
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Well, another one got arrested today. :rofl:

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