OK, so how far did YOU read before you began to suspect it was from The Onion?WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Health and Human Services issued a series of guidelines Monday designed to help parents curtail their children's boundless imaginations, which child-safety advocates say have the potential to rival motor vehicle accidents and congenital diseases as a leading cause of disability and death among youths ages 3 to 14.
"Defuse the ticking time-bomb known as your child's imagination before it explodes and destroys her completely," said child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan, who advised the HHS in composing the guidelines. "New data shows a disturbing correlation between serious accidents and the ability of children to envision a world full of exciting possibility."
The guidelines, titled "Boundless Imagination, Boundless Hazards: Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From A World Of Wonder," are posted on the HHS website, and will also be available in brochure form in pediatricians' offices across the country.
According to McMillan, children can suffer broken bones, head trauma, and even fatal injuries from unsupervised exposure to childlike awe. "If your children are allowed to unlock their imaginations, anything from a backyard swing set to a child's own bedroom can be transformed into a dangerous undersea castle or dragon's lair," McMillan said. "But by encouraging your kids to think linearly and literally, and constantly reminding them they can never be anything but human children with no extraordinary characteristics, you can better ensure that they will lead prolonged lives."
Although the exact number of child fatalities connected to an active imagination is unknown, experts say the danger is very real. According to a 2006 estimate, children who regularly engage in imagination are 10 times more likely to suffer injuries such as skinned knees from mythical quests, or bruises and serious falls from the peak of Bookcase Mountain.
One of the HHS recommendations emphasizes increased communication between parents and children about the truths behind outlandish fantasies. "Speak with your children about the absolute impossibility of time travel, magical powers, and animals and toys that talk when adults are not around," reads one excerpt. "If this fails to quell their imaginations, encourage them to stare at household objects and think clearly and objectively about their actual, physical characteristics."
The HHS also discourages aimless playtime activities that lack a rigid, repetitive structure: "Opt instead for safe activities like untying knots, sticking and unsticking two pieces of Velcro, drawing straight lines of successively longer lengths, and quietly humming a single note for two to three hours."
But even these relatively safe activities can become imaginative, experts warn, without proper precautions. "Do not let children know that, for example, sailors and pirates untie knots," McMillan said.
Although no cure has yet been developed for childhood imagination, preventative measures can deter children from potentially hazardous bouts of make-believe.
"Many of the suggestions are really quite simple, like breaking down cardboard boxes or sewing cushions to couches so they cannot be converted into forts or playhouses," McMillan said. "Blank pieces of paper, which can inspire non-reality-based drawings, should be discarded unless they are used in one of our recommended diagonal folding and unfolding activities. And all loose sticks left lying in the yard should be carefully labeled 'Not a Sword.'"
Unfortunately, removing everything from a child's field of view that could stimulate his active young mind is extremely time-consuming, and infeasible as a long-term solution, McMillan acknowledges. "To truly protect your children, you must go to great lengths to completely eliminate their curiosity, crush their spirit of amazement, and eradicate their childlike glee. Watch for the danger signs: faraway expressions, giggle fits, and a general air of carefree contentment."
Added McMillan: "Remember, if you see a single sparkle of excitement in their eyes, you haven't done enough."
Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imag
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Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imag
- Primula Baggins
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You know, there are people out there who would probably agree with this. . . .
(It took me all the way until words 21 and 22, but I am not as quick as yov.)
(It took me all the way until words 21 and 22, but I am not as quick as yov.)
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
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<spikes football>
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
- Primula Baggins
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Oh, I have known parents who would at least partly buy into this. Some who believe that kids must not read or think about anything supernatural that isn't in the Bible, and some who believe that kids must not read or think about anything supernatural, period. And both sorts have a pretty elastic definition of "supernatural."
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
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Blank pieces of paper, which can inspire non-reality-based drawings, should be discarded unless they are used in one of our recommended diagonal folding and unfolding activities.
Why diagonal folding and unfolding? Wouldn't straight folding be safer? I mean, diagonal folding leads to skewed folding, and skewed folding leads to paper airplanes, and paper airplanes lead to horseplay!
And all loose sticks left lying in the yard should be carefully labeled 'Not a Sword'.
My favorite line of the article. I wonder, should I carefully label Griff's swords "not a stick"? She has quite an imagination. I'm afraid she'll try to rub two of her swords together to start a fire one of these days.
I had a stick sword when I was a kid. I called it Orcrist III. Because, of course, the first Orcrist was in Thorin's tomb. I don't know what happened to Orcrist II, though. I never did much like even numbers.
I couldn't even come up with an original name for my stick-sword. Not much imagination there, eh?
Why diagonal folding and unfolding? Wouldn't straight folding be safer? I mean, diagonal folding leads to skewed folding, and skewed folding leads to paper airplanes, and paper airplanes lead to horseplay!
And all loose sticks left lying in the yard should be carefully labeled 'Not a Sword'.
My favorite line of the article. I wonder, should I carefully label Griff's swords "not a stick"? She has quite an imagination. I'm afraid she'll try to rub two of her swords together to start a fire one of these days.
I had a stick sword when I was a kid. I called it Orcrist III. Because, of course, the first Orcrist was in Thorin's tomb. I don't know what happened to Orcrist II, though. I never did much like even numbers.
I couldn't even come up with an original name for my stick-sword. Not much imagination there, eh?
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Griffy will stir all that up nicely, I feel sure.
Faramond wrote:I wonder, should I carefully label Griff's swords "not a stick"?
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
- Primula Baggins
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Nothing a little nourishment won't cure.
<buys Mahima's brain a sandwich and a pint of Guinness>
<buys Mahima's brain a sandwich and a pint of Guinness>
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
- Voronwë the Faithful
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