Harry Potter (No book 7 spoilers, please)

[Lidless]

Scene: The Magic Box. Harry enters the shop. There is a bouzouki player and two men in suits and bowler hats dancing.

Harry: Good Morning.

Shop Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Magic Box!

Harry: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Shop Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Harry: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herries" by Hugh Walpole, and I doing some Diably.

Shop Owner: Diably, Sir?

Harry: Black arts.

Shop Owner: Eh?

Harry: (Lancashire accent) I wanted to cast a spell.

Shop Owner: Ah, spell casting!

Harry: (back to normal voice) In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "some conjuration constituents will do the trick," so I curtailed my Walpoling activates, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some mystic elements!

Shop Owner: Come again?

Harry: I want to buy magic ingredients.

Shop Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Harry: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Shop Owner: Sorry?

Harry: (Lancashire accent again) ‘Eeee, I like a nice tune, 'yer forced too!

Shop Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Harry: (Normal voice) Most certainly! Now then, some magic ingredients if you please, my good man.

Shop Owner: Certainly, Sir. What would you like?

Harry: Well, eh, how about a little wing of Bat.

Shop Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Bat’s wings, Sir.

Harry: Oh, never mind, how are you on spiders?

Shop Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Harry: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four pints of Dragon’s blood, if you please.

Shop Owner: Ah! It's been on order, Sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Harry: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, unicorn horn?

Shop Owner: Sorry, Sir.

Harry: Nightshade?

Shop Owner: Normally say yes. Today the van broke down.

Harry: Ah. Mercury?

Shop Owner: Sorry.

Harry: Sulphur?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Rat’s spleens?

Shop Owner: (pause) No.

Harry: Mistletoe, holly, arsenic, lizard’s tails, crushed beetles, mouldy socks?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Frogspawn, perhaps?

Shop Owner: Ah! We have frogspawn, yes Sir.

Harry: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

Shop Owner: Yes Sir. It's... ah... it's a bit runny...

Harry: Oh, I like it runny.

Shop Owner: Well... It's very runny, actually, Sir.

Harry: No matter. Fetch hither les oeufs de la grenouille! Mmm!

Shop Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, Sir.

Harry: I don't care fucking how runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Shop Owner: Oooooooooohhh........!

Harry: What now?

Shop Owner: The fyarl demon’s eaten it.

Harry: (pause) Has he.

Shop Owner: She, Sir.

Pause

Harry: Salamanders?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Weevils?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Poison Ivy?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Scarabs?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Armadillo bile?

Shop Owner: No, Sir.

Harry: You do have some magic ingredients, don't you?

Shop Owner: Of course, Sir. It's a magic shop, Sir. We've got...

Harry: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Shop Owner: Fair enough.

Harry: Uuuuummm, Seaweed.

Shop Owner: Yes?

Harry: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Shop Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, Sir. Mister Seaweed, that's my name.

Pause

Harry: Pig’s ears?

Shop Owner: Er, not as such.

Harry: Dried pixies,

Shop Owner: No

Harry: Manticore livers,

Shop Owner: No

Harry: Griffin’s tongues?

Shop Owner: No

Harry: Venezuelan Aardvark testicles?

Shop Owner: Not today, Sir, no.

Harry: Aah, how about eye of newt?

Shop Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, Sir.

Harry: Not much ca… It's the single most popular magic ingredient in the world!

Shop Owner: Not 'round here, Sir.

Harry: And what is the most popular ingredient 'round here?

Shop Owner: Adder’s fork, Sir.

Harry: Is it.

Shop Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Harry: Is it.

Shop Owner: It's our number one best seller, Sir!

Harry: I see. Er... adder’s fork, eh?

Shop Owner: Right, Sir.

Harry: All right. Okay. I'm game. 'Have you got any?' he asks, expecting the answer 'no'.

Shop Owner: I'll have a look, Sir. Nnnnnnooooooo.

Harry: It's not much of a magic shop, is it?

Shop Owner: Finest in the district!

Harry: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion.

Shop Owner: Well, it's so clean, Sir!

Harry: It's certainly uncontaminated by magic stuff....

Shop Owner: You haven't asked me about Owlet’s wing , Sir.

Harry: Is it worth it?

Shop Owner: Could be....

Harry: Have you... Will you shut that bloody dancing off!!

Shop Owner: Told you so....

Harry: Have you got any Owlet’s wing?

Shop Owner: No.

Harry: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me...

Shop Owner: Yes Sir?

Harry: Have you in fact got any magic things here at all.

Shop Owner: Yes, Sir.

Harry: Really?

Pause

Shop Owner: No. Not really, Sir.

Harry: You haven't.

Shop Owner: No Sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, Sir.

Harry: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Shop Owner: Right-o, Sir.

The Harry takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

Harry: What a senseless waste of human life.

[MithLuin]

That has Monty Python fingerprints all over it, though I'm not familiar with that sketch...
...shouldn't Harry use his wand at the end, though? The gun seems so out of place.

The rest is very nicely done, though

Here's a short little one-shot fic:

He Who Laughs Last

It's Snape reflecting on Sirius Black's death, and no, I didn't write it .

[Glawariel]

For those interested, the official title for Book 7 has been press-released !. I'm not sure if the title would be considered a spoiler so I'll just post the link the to The Leaky Cauldron's announcement of it:
http://www.leakynews.com/#article:9343

[Primula Baggins]

Thanks, Glowy! But I think we should declare the title not to be a spoiler—it's going to be everywhere soon enough, in ads and in discussion.

First impression? I like it: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I'm a little annoyed to read that she is still writing it, though! I wonder when it will be released?

[superwizard]

I'm getting excited again!!! But I'm just wondering: what does Deathly Hollows mean???

[TheWagner]

I'm getting excited again!!! But I'm just wondering: what does Deathly Hollows mean???

Hallows, not Hollows!

Hallow is an archaic noun, although we do retain it in one phrase: All Hallow's Eve. It is the eve of All Saints Day, and Hallow used to used as a word for saint or for their relics.

In older questing stories, a Hallow is some vessel.

[superwizard]

Hallows, not Hollows!

oops my spelling is just awful! Thanks for the info!

[TheWagner]

Hallows, not Hollows!

oops my spelling is just awful! Thanks for the info!

heh, I was assuming that it was not your spelling, but your reading. Given that "Hollows" is an important word in the series, and given that it also is a current word, it is unsurprising that people would misread Hallows for Hollows. (Indeed, I'd bet that most people would assume that it was a typo for "hollows" if they saw it in another context: and it probably would be!)

[superwizard]

Hallows, not Hollows!

oops my spelling is just awful! Thanks for the info!

heh, I was assuming that it was not your spelling, but your reading. Given that "Hollows" is an important word in the series, and given that it also is a current word, it is unsurprising that people would misread Hallows for Hollows. (Indeed, I'd bet that most people would assume that it was a typo for "hollows" if they saw it in another context: and it probably would be!)

Nope I actually had read it as Hallows because I once read about the history of Holloween! I guess however that in my rush to type I just reverted to typing hollows instead. Careless me...

[TheWagner]

Nope I actually had read it as Hallows because I once read about the history of Holloween!

lol.....


Well, at any rate, it almost certainly is a reference to the Horcruxes and the Harry's quest to find and destroy them. What is interesting is that "deathly" usually means suggesting death, but not deadly itself; however, "deathly" sometimes is a synonym of deadly. Strictly speaking, that is an archaic use of "deathly," however.

[superwizard]

Interesting. This title is by far the most interesting one of the seven HP books (IMHO of course)

[TheWagner]

Interesting. This title is by far the most interesting one of the seven HP books (IMHO of course)

It certainly seems to be the most telling title since Prisoner of Azkaban. The first three stories had titles in which the eponym was the focus of the plot or plots; however, the eponyms of the last three stories were pretty extraneous. If you think about it, the Goblet of Fire, the Order of the Phoenix and the Half-Blood Prince all could be excluded from film versions with no lose to story or plot; that was not true for Stone, Chamber or Prisoner, and I seriously doubt that it will be true for Harrows.

[superwizard]

and I seriously doubt that it will be true for Harrows.

I think you mean hallows. What a mischievous title!!

Yes I agree with your conclusion.

[MithLuin]

He would be 47 today, if he survives the War, that is!

I realize that his birthdate is not nailed down to 1959 or 1960, but I like to say the Marauders began at Hogwarts in Sept. 1971, and left school in June 1978. This works well enough, as long as we accept that Sirius had an early birthday (Sept - Dec. 1959, most likely). It makes sense when we consider that he had a brother in the class behind him; he was old for his year, while Regulus was likely young for his. Or something like that.....

[TheWagner]

It makes sense when we consider that he had a brother in the class behind him; he was old for his year, while Regulus was likely young for his. Or something like that.....

Given JKR's legendary math "skills".......

[Wildwood]

:D:D:D:D:D:D

That sort of thing is the *last* thing I think of, when I read a book, or watch a movie. It has to really, really jar and be horribly glaring for me to even notice it, and half the time, even when I do notice, I dismiss it!
:D:D:D:D:D:D

It's a strange contradiction, I realize. Total purist in some ways, and then - a artist's dream in others, because I am oblivious to so many things that other people notice so easily! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I"m quite content to believe whatever she says of Sirius and Reg, as long as we get a satisfying conclusion to the tale! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[MithLuin]

Oh, she hasn't said much about them. But when people have asked her how old Harry's parents were, or how old Sirius was, or how old Snape is....the answers should all hang together, because they were all in the same year in school . If she's off by a year in her response, I don't mind, but some people really, really want to pin down dates on this stuff. Strangely, they usually come down in favor of Severus' birthday being in 1959, for no reason that I can fathom. So, I was merely defending my slightly-less-popular take on the situation.


As for Regulus, she did make a family tree. But it's not to be taken seriously, because some of the dates on it contradict what she's written, or actually defy common sense. The most glaring error is Bellatrix's birthdate. It makes her too old to have attended school with Snape and Sirius (even though Sirius specifically said she did), and it means her father would have been 13 when she was born . While possible, that does seem highly improbable....


But the chronology of events that occured to periphery characters before Harry was born don't really matter all that much to the story . They're just fun to discuss.

Those poor abused smilies! You're still on for Philly, Feb. 17th-18th, right?

[TheWagner]

As for Regulus, she did make a family tree. But it's not to be taken seriously, because some of the dates on it contradict what she's written, or actually defy common sense. The most glaring error is Bellatrix's birthdate. It makes her too old to have attended school with Snape and Sirius (even though Sirius specifically said she did), and it means her father would have been 13 when she was born . While possible, that does seem highly improbable....

I suspect that Rowling was serious when she did it. She just does not process numbers very well. Indeed, none of the wizards really are old enough when they die, given her claim that wizards live a lot longer than do Muggles.

Also, JKR has an "out" on Snape attending school with Bellatrix: it could be Bellatrix's unnamed and hitherto unmentioned sister-in-law!

But the chronology of events that occured to periphery characters before Harry was born don't really matter all that much to the story . They're just fun to discuss.

Indeed, it would be an extremely poorly told story that hung upon such details! They certainly are not at all relevant to the Harry Potter stories, which are so focused on Harry.


JKR will have her "Flints" (so named after the Slytherin captain who was described as a 6th year student in book 1, yet who was still captain of the team two years later!): the numbers of students at Hogwarts, ages of characters, etc. She's very good at logic otherwise, but once you put numbers other than 1 and 0 into it, she's hopeless. (Man, I'd love to be her accountant.....)

[Wildwood]

Mith - I am!! :D:D:D And I am really looking forward to meeting you too! I will bring chocolate! :D:D:D[/url]

[Primula Baggins]

It's official: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be released on July 21, 2007.

http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/

Good news, I think, for everyone who's going to have books in the bookstore that month.